I am double posting today, I know this seems excessive, but I really felt the need to share this.
So today after I got back to my dorm from my daily activities I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I think I've ever had. It was so bad in fact that by the end of it from my ears all the way to the top of my stomach was completely red and itchy for about an hour afterwards. Having an anxiety attack for me is always something like feeling my heart speed up like it's a cheetah and then feeling it leap into my throat and refusing to go back where it belongs. I usually start to feel very uncertain about everything in my life from who cares about me, to if I'll do well in school/work and even if I'll ever feel happy again. Of course once I calm down this all subsides and I realize how ludicrous those thoughts were.
When I started having this panic attack I kept trying not to cry, I didn't want anyone to see me freak out and I knew it was going to happen. I ended up sitting in my room on my bed rocking back and forth having no idea what to do with myself, thinking that the world was ending. What got me over it was I got up to pace and stumbled pressing the button on my "The Sounds of Star Wars" book and hearing Princess Leia say "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope." This made me stop because I thought "Shut up Leia, he can't help you just because he's a Jedi." And then I stopped again, and thought "Good lord that was pessimistic of me."
I then started thinking about how cool it would to be a Jedi and to always be emotionally calm and use the force and be a hero. I then also started thinking well I don't need to be a Jedi to be emotionally calm. Part of the Jedi Code (Yes I'm a nerd, shut up, it's fun stuff to read) states "There is no emotion, there is peace." I started thinking on this, what it really meant in a literary sense. The conclusion I arrived at was it means that all of the upset and strife you feel only makes way for peace and you shouldn't let the negative emotions bother you. I also then thought of another part of the code that states "There is no chaos, there is harmony," which just means to not let the chaos block your path to feeling inner harmony.
I've always been a Star Wars fan girl but I was really shocked it somehow made my anxiety attack subside. So I'd like to take a moment to say thank you Star Wars for keeping my Darkside at bay for a while with your inspirational words of wisdom. Because as most people know there is a lot of fear when an anxiety attack is involved and fear is a path to the Darkside.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Dealing With Snobs
Being a film student I often have to deal with a lot of very artistically inclined people. Generally some of them are very strange, some are very down to earth and others are just snobs. Whenever I encounter said snobs several thoughts run through my head but the first are usually "Oh good God, please don't try to talk over everyone in class again, nobody thinks you're that smart," or "dear lord you're a jerk." Now I know that these aren't nice thoughts and I have tried to come to grips with why I feel this way about these people but I keep coming back to the fact that they're just snobs.
Now, when I say snob I mean that they think they're the smartest person in the room... nay, the whole school. They also tend to think they are better than all of their peers and possess more talent in their pinkie than the whole school combined. Yes, some of them are talented but not talented or well known enough to be as snobby as they are. The fact is, I won't get away from them until they graduate or have a complete personality change, so I have to find a way to deal with them.
My strategies include several methods that are not always full proof but for the most part get the job done. They are as follows:
1. Just don't talk to them
2. If not talking to them fails, ignore their comments with a smile or laugh
3. If they try to put me down by talking about their accomplishments and sarcastically remarking on mine I ask, "Do you want a cookie?"
4. Pray to God that I don't strangle them and do some silent meditation if the above 3 don't work.
Most of the people I work/study with in the Hollins film department are great, friendly and polite people but I know there will always be that one person who thinks their poop doesn't stink; so now is the time I should learn to get over their rude and mean comments and move on. I know that I have talent and that my work will take me places one day and that's all that matters, even if I have to deal with a few film snobs along the way.
Now, when I say snob I mean that they think they're the smartest person in the room... nay, the whole school. They also tend to think they are better than all of their peers and possess more talent in their pinkie than the whole school combined. Yes, some of them are talented but not talented or well known enough to be as snobby as they are. The fact is, I won't get away from them until they graduate or have a complete personality change, so I have to find a way to deal with them.
My strategies include several methods that are not always full proof but for the most part get the job done. They are as follows:
1. Just don't talk to them
2. If not talking to them fails, ignore their comments with a smile or laugh
3. If they try to put me down by talking about their accomplishments and sarcastically remarking on mine I ask, "Do you want a cookie?"
4. Pray to God that I don't strangle them and do some silent meditation if the above 3 don't work.
Most of the people I work/study with in the Hollins film department are great, friendly and polite people but I know there will always be that one person who thinks their poop doesn't stink; so now is the time I should learn to get over their rude and mean comments and move on. I know that I have talent and that my work will take me places one day and that's all that matters, even if I have to deal with a few film snobs along the way.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Superheroes are Dedicated
One of my favorite things to read about or watch movies on is the superhero. I absolutely love watching them use their out of this world powers and defeat the bad guys in the name of all that is good and decent. It's also really fun to dress up as them and feel awesome for a few hours, yeah I know, I'm a nerd. Unfortunately, there aren't any superpower wielding people in this world, but we do have something close. Other than the superheroes we read about in comic books and pay to watch on the big screen many of us know what the media refers to as an "everyday superhero."
To me an "everyday superhero" is someone that is dedicated to a cause or works hard to make things better in a world that can be pretty desolate sometimes. I haven't met many people like this but sitting around today thinking about my parents I thought about one that I've known my whole life; my mom. No I'm not saying this because she's my mother and because I know she reads my blog. I'm saying this because she wakes up and goes to work as a CNA and deals with crap (that most people would never do in a million years) and helps people feel better.
The hospital isn't a pleasant place and let's be honest, CNAs that do the grunt work and all of the messy stuff and heavy lifting aren't paid enough. Most of them are in that field because they want to help others and take care of people who can't do for themselves. My mom has been doing this her whole life. She's raised three children, helped out with her grand-kids, and is now working in a hospital caring for others, despite her own health suffering for it. She is a superhero and I'm lucky enough to be her daughter.
We all need to start paying attention to people like this in our lives. A simple thank you or maybe finding a way to help them out with something is a good start but they deserve so much more than that. These are everyday people like my mom who go out and work hard, despite their own problems, to help others. They are often looked over or down upon by people who live more comfortable lives or who are in higher positions and that needs to change. We all need to start showing them some gratitude for what they do and a lot more respect. What brought this entry on, you may ask? Well quite simply I realized that I hadn't told my mom thank you in a while and that got me to thinking. So thanks mom, for all you do, I love you.
To me an "everyday superhero" is someone that is dedicated to a cause or works hard to make things better in a world that can be pretty desolate sometimes. I haven't met many people like this but sitting around today thinking about my parents I thought about one that I've known my whole life; my mom. No I'm not saying this because she's my mother and because I know she reads my blog. I'm saying this because she wakes up and goes to work as a CNA and deals with crap (that most people would never do in a million years) and helps people feel better.
The hospital isn't a pleasant place and let's be honest, CNAs that do the grunt work and all of the messy stuff and heavy lifting aren't paid enough. Most of them are in that field because they want to help others and take care of people who can't do for themselves. My mom has been doing this her whole life. She's raised three children, helped out with her grand-kids, and is now working in a hospital caring for others, despite her own health suffering for it. She is a superhero and I'm lucky enough to be her daughter.
We all need to start paying attention to people like this in our lives. A simple thank you or maybe finding a way to help them out with something is a good start but they deserve so much more than that. These are everyday people like my mom who go out and work hard, despite their own problems, to help others. They are often looked over or down upon by people who live more comfortable lives or who are in higher positions and that needs to change. We all need to start showing them some gratitude for what they do and a lot more respect. What brought this entry on, you may ask? Well quite simply I realized that I hadn't told my mom thank you in a while and that got me to thinking. So thanks mom, for all you do, I love you.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Dead People are Vain
In my Ancient Art class this semester we talk about some of my favorite subjects, archaeology, tomb inscriptions, history and art. Today in particular we were talking about Babylon and Lagash, and the relics that Hammurabi and Gudea left behind for all of us to find thousands of years down the road. Looking in the book today I realized something, those guys were incredibly vain and even more vain in death. In fact most of the rulers or famous priests we have discussed in that class seem to have what I like to call "Child-Star" syndrome, or the fear of being forgotten when you're out of your prime.
I've also begun to notice that we all have that problem. I think we're all afraid that people won't remember us when we're gone or that they won't think of us now while we're here. Since middle school I've seen people do some pretty crazy things for attention; from boys serenading girls on school buses so they'd be their girlfriends to people fanning suicide attempts so you'll tell them how awesome they are. The last one may sound extreme and judgmental but trust me, it happens. The thing is, when people go to extremes for attention, like Gudea making thousands of statues of himself, it rubs people the wrong way and makes you look like an attention-whore.
We're all guilty of being obnoxious and trying to get attention at some point but we need to look at ourselves and ask, "am I doing this too much?" Because I don't think anybody wants to be remembered as the person that couldn't live without being in the limelight and bugging everyone all of the time. If you know you are doing it then maybe it's time to take a step back, sit down, let one of your friends or family members enjoy the spotlight that you crave. Unless you're like Gudea or Hammurabi I seriously doubt you have the power and resources to make people give you constant attention and memorialize you anyways (plus I don't think you really want a woman in her art class to think about how futile and vain your efforts at living on forever were).
I guess all I'm trying to really get across here is that you need to be comfortable enough with yourself to be OK when you don't have constant attention. To not worry that people will forget about you. All that matters is that you live your best life today and remember to pay the kind of attention to others that you want for yourself. Kind of like a weird ego re-hash of the golden rule, isn't it?
I've also begun to notice that we all have that problem. I think we're all afraid that people won't remember us when we're gone or that they won't think of us now while we're here. Since middle school I've seen people do some pretty crazy things for attention; from boys serenading girls on school buses so they'd be their girlfriends to people fanning suicide attempts so you'll tell them how awesome they are. The last one may sound extreme and judgmental but trust me, it happens. The thing is, when people go to extremes for attention, like Gudea making thousands of statues of himself, it rubs people the wrong way and makes you look like an attention-whore.
We're all guilty of being obnoxious and trying to get attention at some point but we need to look at ourselves and ask, "am I doing this too much?" Because I don't think anybody wants to be remembered as the person that couldn't live without being in the limelight and bugging everyone all of the time. If you know you are doing it then maybe it's time to take a step back, sit down, let one of your friends or family members enjoy the spotlight that you crave. Unless you're like Gudea or Hammurabi I seriously doubt you have the power and resources to make people give you constant attention and memorialize you anyways (plus I don't think you really want a woman in her art class to think about how futile and vain your efforts at living on forever were).
I guess all I'm trying to really get across here is that you need to be comfortable enough with yourself to be OK when you don't have constant attention. To not worry that people will forget about you. All that matters is that you live your best life today and remember to pay the kind of attention to others that you want for yourself. Kind of like a weird ego re-hash of the golden rule, isn't it?
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The Misconceptions of Spiritual Workouts
This morning I felt like an old woman. Why you may ask? Well for no reason at all I pulled a muscle in my shoulder getting up and now the entire left side of my back, mainly along my shoulder, burns and aches like a thousand tiny shards of glass are stabbing it. I decided to force myself out of bed anyways go take an ibuprofen get some breakfast and do some Tai Chi to make me feel better. Last semester I took a class at Hollins in the Yang 37 short form and in all honesty it's been the best class I've ever taken health wise, and it keeps me mentally focused and clear minded.
Many people hear that I took Tai Chi, what is considered to be a spiritual martial arts and immediately assume that I must practice some traditional Asian religion. This is a huge misconception. Tai Chi is not only very healthy but it is extremely personal and spiritual. Just because someone is practicing Tai Chi it doesn't mean that they are a Daoist or a Buddhist. Tai Chi is what you make of it. It's a workout where you focus on YOUR spiritual beliefs. It isn't a workout designed to make you meditate on any specific belief set. Personally when I practice Tai Chi I'm thinking about my own health, the way my body feels and my God (in case you're wondering I am a Christian). Afterwards when I meditate I'm still focusing on the same things. It's my exercise that I do a couple times a week to help me feel healthy and calm.
A lot of people hear the term "spiritual workout" or "meditation" and automatically assume that it's something strange or a new age religion. This is a horrible misconception. Everyone has a different belief set and when they practice any spiritual workout it is according to what they believe and what they are choosing to meditate on. Like I said earlier for me it's my God and being as healthy as I can be. Being refreshed by Tai Chi and exercise is something that I always look forward to and that really helps me get through my week. I highly encourage everyone to find that for themselves. Whether it's a workout, meditation, reading, or some form of art, it will increase your mental capacity and have you feeling 100% better. Right now I'm going to end this entry and go do some more Tai Chi, MY way, without any misconceptions and go feel better.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
A father's Inquiries
So once again today was not the day that I decided to take a break from blogging. The weekend has finally arrived and although I'll be doing homework and studying for my Spanish exam the whole time, I'm so grateful for the break. I haven't been home in a couple of weeks so I decided to drop by this weekend; my dad also happens to be off from work this weekend and has been watching movies with me while I do homework tonight.
Watching a movie with my dad is normally a time where my dad sits still for a couple of hours but continues to move his mouth the whole time. Since I've been a film student however it's turned into two hours of questioning. We can't get through a movie together without at least five questions about editing, filming, directing or a combination of all three being asked. I inform my dad each and every time that while I may be a film student I can't answer everything about how every movie is made. There are simply some things that I just don't know.
This usually gets on my last nerve but tonight it made me feel pretty good. My dad is the stereotypical man in the sense that he doesn't always know how to show that he cares and I realized tonight that the merciless onslaught of questions that I can't answer is his way of showing he cares. He wants me to know that he is interested in what I do as a film student and that he thinks what I'm studying is cool and that I'm doing a good job. Sitting through Schindler's List and The Shawshank Redemption may have been a bit tiring on my nerves but in the end I know that it's my dad trying to make conversation with his daughter that he's not to sure how to talk to.
Even when family members are driving us crazy with conversation, questions and just general annoying habits sometimes it helps to sit back and think about how they feel, and that maybe they just want to talk with you and let you know they care. My dad hasn't known how to talk to me since middle school and watching movies is his way of keeping up to date with me and if he's willing to be invested enough in my life to partake in a similar interest then I'll take it. I may not always be in the mood to try and answer his film trivia but it's always nice to know that someone cares that much.
Watching a movie with my dad is normally a time where my dad sits still for a couple of hours but continues to move his mouth the whole time. Since I've been a film student however it's turned into two hours of questioning. We can't get through a movie together without at least five questions about editing, filming, directing or a combination of all three being asked. I inform my dad each and every time that while I may be a film student I can't answer everything about how every movie is made. There are simply some things that I just don't know.
This usually gets on my last nerve but tonight it made me feel pretty good. My dad is the stereotypical man in the sense that he doesn't always know how to show that he cares and I realized tonight that the merciless onslaught of questions that I can't answer is his way of showing he cares. He wants me to know that he is interested in what I do as a film student and that he thinks what I'm studying is cool and that I'm doing a good job. Sitting through Schindler's List and The Shawshank Redemption may have been a bit tiring on my nerves but in the end I know that it's my dad trying to make conversation with his daughter that he's not to sure how to talk to.
Even when family members are driving us crazy with conversation, questions and just general annoying habits sometimes it helps to sit back and think about how they feel, and that maybe they just want to talk with you and let you know they care. My dad hasn't known how to talk to me since middle school and watching movies is his way of keeping up to date with me and if he's willing to be invested enough in my life to partake in a similar interest then I'll take it. I may not always be in the mood to try and answer his film trivia but it's always nice to know that someone cares that much.
Friday, February 22, 2013
A for effort por favor?
I told myself I would take today off from blogging but I lied. Maybe tomorrow will be the day? We'll see if I can stop my obsessive need to type entries about my life, it's unlikely though.
Today has started off on several high notes. For once I had an extremely positive Spanish class. Not only did I understand the subject matter but I received more than 100% on my first quiz of the semester. I've spent the last semester and a half at Hollins not being able to comprehend anything in that class because well, it's a foreign language that I don't speak. But that's the funny thing about foreign languages, isn't it? We don't understand them, much in the way we don't understand why we don't always get what we deserve or work for.
In high school I was an honor student, I made excellent grades and was always one of the top students in my classes, with the exception of math. I never thought that I would get to a class and actually have to do extra work to understand it until I took Spanish. I decided to take Spanish because I had taken so much French in high school that I wanted to try something new. I also assumed that because I made straight A's in French that a new romance language would be easy and that I could coast by, but I was so wrong.
I have struggled in Spanish just to earn B's and make C's on most of my tests. While it isn't fun and I dread the class most days it has taught me something. Never go into anything expecting it to be easy. When you sign on for a task, whether it's work related or school related you have to go in prepared to put forth your best work and the most effort you can. Of course all of your effort may not lead you to an A or a promotion but you will leave with the satisfaction that you tried your hardest. When it comes to Spanish it has taken me a while but I've finally started to pick things up and get better at it.
I'm not getting the grades I want yet but I've learned that going in and expecting to try my hardest and give it my all has helped me advance myself in that class. Until A's are given for effort alone I know that I'll have to continue working this hard but I also know that when I'm finally done and have earned my foreign language credit I will feel successful. I won't feel like it was just some class that I had to take, I'll feel like I actually accomplished something and learned valuable lessons.
Today has started off on several high notes. For once I had an extremely positive Spanish class. Not only did I understand the subject matter but I received more than 100% on my first quiz of the semester. I've spent the last semester and a half at Hollins not being able to comprehend anything in that class because well, it's a foreign language that I don't speak. But that's the funny thing about foreign languages, isn't it? We don't understand them, much in the way we don't understand why we don't always get what we deserve or work for.
In high school I was an honor student, I made excellent grades and was always one of the top students in my classes, with the exception of math. I never thought that I would get to a class and actually have to do extra work to understand it until I took Spanish. I decided to take Spanish because I had taken so much French in high school that I wanted to try something new. I also assumed that because I made straight A's in French that a new romance language would be easy and that I could coast by, but I was so wrong.
I have struggled in Spanish just to earn B's and make C's on most of my tests. While it isn't fun and I dread the class most days it has taught me something. Never go into anything expecting it to be easy. When you sign on for a task, whether it's work related or school related you have to go in prepared to put forth your best work and the most effort you can. Of course all of your effort may not lead you to an A or a promotion but you will leave with the satisfaction that you tried your hardest. When it comes to Spanish it has taken me a while but I've finally started to pick things up and get better at it.
I'm not getting the grades I want yet but I've learned that going in and expecting to try my hardest and give it my all has helped me advance myself in that class. Until A's are given for effort alone I know that I'll have to continue working this hard but I also know that when I'm finally done and have earned my foreign language credit I will feel successful. I won't feel like it was just some class that I had to take, I'll feel like I actually accomplished something and learned valuable lessons.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
S'mores and happiness
There's a saying that goes "Only two things in life are certain; death and taxes." I would like to inform everyone that this is indeed a falsehood. There are three certainties in life, death, taxes and stress. Everyone at some point in their lifetime will experience stress. Whether it's stress over who will be voted off of your favorite reality show or getting through college successfully, stress is unavoidable.
Last night was one of the first nights in weeks where I felt no stress. Why? Well because I was at a bonfire next to a cute boy, eating s'mores. No, I am not the cliche girl that believes cute boys and chocolate fix everything. This was the first time I hadn't felt stress in weeks because I made the decision to put school and work on the back burner for a few hours and enjoy myself. Of course my school work is important and I want to have it finished in a timely manner but I realized that I wasn't letting myself have fun. I was focusing so much on getting school work done that I was sucking out my own sanity.
Sitting around that campfire reminded me that it is essential to take a step back and refresh yourself. It may not be the most productive thing you can be doing but in the long run it will make you more productive and make you feel 100% better. I wasn't worried, for once, about deadlines or papers or finding actors, I was worried about having a good time. Doing just that made all the difference on my attitude and how I felt about my classes today. While they weren't the most interesting or fun classes I felt positive about them and wasn't irritated at the thought of having to go.
I've always thought it was stupid when I heard someone on TV say "Take time for you," or "Schedule some me time," but I've realized the value in that advice. Without taking that crucial time for yourself, you end up getting caught up in the world's hustle and bustle and start losing yourself and becoming a grumpy shell of a human being. I think that everyone needs to remember to take a step back every week and do what they want or something fun; even if it's something as silly as lighting marshmallows on fire and telling your boyfriend you didn't keep feeding his dog graham crackers after he said no more. The important thing is to remember that you'll feel better in the long run because of it.
Last night was one of the first nights in weeks where I felt no stress. Why? Well because I was at a bonfire next to a cute boy, eating s'mores. No, I am not the cliche girl that believes cute boys and chocolate fix everything. This was the first time I hadn't felt stress in weeks because I made the decision to put school and work on the back burner for a few hours and enjoy myself. Of course my school work is important and I want to have it finished in a timely manner but I realized that I wasn't letting myself have fun. I was focusing so much on getting school work done that I was sucking out my own sanity.
Sitting around that campfire reminded me that it is essential to take a step back and refresh yourself. It may not be the most productive thing you can be doing but in the long run it will make you more productive and make you feel 100% better. I wasn't worried, for once, about deadlines or papers or finding actors, I was worried about having a good time. Doing just that made all the difference on my attitude and how I felt about my classes today. While they weren't the most interesting or fun classes I felt positive about them and wasn't irritated at the thought of having to go.
I've always thought it was stupid when I heard someone on TV say "Take time for you," or "Schedule some me time," but I've realized the value in that advice. Without taking that crucial time for yourself, you end up getting caught up in the world's hustle and bustle and start losing yourself and becoming a grumpy shell of a human being. I think that everyone needs to remember to take a step back every week and do what they want or something fun; even if it's something as silly as lighting marshmallows on fire and telling your boyfriend you didn't keep feeding his dog graham crackers after he said no more. The important thing is to remember that you'll feel better in the long run because of it.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
School and Fear
Before I started college I grew up in a very small town and went to a small high school where everyone knew each other and everyone gossiped. I went through school from kindergarten to my senior year hating every second of it. I was bullied the whole time I was in school. The bullying started in elementary school where I was picked on for being a tomboy and the way I dressed, then middle school where I was picked on for having acne, the way I dressed and being considered weird and then when I hit high school I was targeted for everything I did, even if that was nothing.
I was told year after year it would get better, people would grow up and leave me alone, but that never happened. It got so bad at one point that I was corned one day by three girls who said they were going to jump me because quote "You looked at me funny and dated my boyfriend a year ago." The fact is I didn't know any of these girls, all I had done was briefly date a boy. It didn't matter that I hadn't talked to him in a year or that I no longer had an interest in him, they were just angry and singled me out.
When I came home that day and cried about it, my mom wanted to call the school but I wouldn't let her. Interestingly enough I ended up in the principal's office the next day being accused of slander and assaulting those three girls when they had it on camera that they were following me and cornering me and I wasn't doing anything to them. At that point I wished I had let my mom call the school.
The reason I'm recalling all of this for my blog is because I realized something today. Perhaps my aversion to school has to do with the fact that I'm still afraid of the judgement. Perhaps I'm still afraid of being picked on, of feeling alone, of being the "weirdo." I think that even though I'm in a completely new place, with new faces and no one has tried to single me out in a negative way, that scared high school girl is still in the back of my mind telling me that I need to watch my back. Telling me that school is a place to dread because of how people will treat me.
For me, the bullying never left me; the words, the stares, all of it still stays with me, I remember them all. I don't say any of this for sympathy or to bring some awareness to the perils of public school but to make some sense out of why I feel the way I do today. If some wayward high school student were to read this and second guess the way they treated their peers that would be a plus, but for now I just want to delve into my own psyche and figure out what is it exactly about school that I can't seem to stand.
I was told year after year it would get better, people would grow up and leave me alone, but that never happened. It got so bad at one point that I was corned one day by three girls who said they were going to jump me because quote "You looked at me funny and dated my boyfriend a year ago." The fact is I didn't know any of these girls, all I had done was briefly date a boy. It didn't matter that I hadn't talked to him in a year or that I no longer had an interest in him, they were just angry and singled me out.
When I came home that day and cried about it, my mom wanted to call the school but I wouldn't let her. Interestingly enough I ended up in the principal's office the next day being accused of slander and assaulting those three girls when they had it on camera that they were following me and cornering me and I wasn't doing anything to them. At that point I wished I had let my mom call the school.
The reason I'm recalling all of this for my blog is because I realized something today. Perhaps my aversion to school has to do with the fact that I'm still afraid of the judgement. Perhaps I'm still afraid of being picked on, of feeling alone, of being the "weirdo." I think that even though I'm in a completely new place, with new faces and no one has tried to single me out in a negative way, that scared high school girl is still in the back of my mind telling me that I need to watch my back. Telling me that school is a place to dread because of how people will treat me.
For me, the bullying never left me; the words, the stares, all of it still stays with me, I remember them all. I don't say any of this for sympathy or to bring some awareness to the perils of public school but to make some sense out of why I feel the way I do today. If some wayward high school student were to read this and second guess the way they treated their peers that would be a plus, but for now I just want to delve into my own psyche and figure out what is it exactly about school that I can't seem to stand.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Cinema and I
Well after my first post I began to get a lot of messages and comments via Facebook about how much people loved me and believed in me, and I must say that made me feel very loved; but I want everyone to know that while my last post had a lot of references to me crying and freaking out, I am OK and I'm not on the cusp of diving off a cliff, unless that dive ends with me swimming in pure chocolate...
Today has been considerably better than yesterday and that is most likely because I always seem to feel good after I have a complete and total melt down over what's stressing me. I started out the day with a horrible migraine but once that was over I started to take notice of how many people had messaged me or come up to me to make sure I was OK. The fact that I have this kind of support and so many people that care has made me feel like no matter what I decide to do in regards to my path in life I'll be just fine.
One of the best things about all of these people that care is that I feel that they believe I can achieve success in my goals as an artist. I've known since I was very little that my life would take me down the path of an artist. It took me a while to figure out what medium I loved the most but I eventually found out that it was film. I thought for a long time that I was never going to pick a concrete career path until I took a Media Arts class in high school and found out that I loved no job more than video editing. Editing was one of the few things that I have ever really felt fulfilled in doing. There were many academic pursuits that I did well in but I never felt passionate about them, I never cared about those accomplishments.
When I made my decision to go to Hollins I knew that I wanted to go there because of the film department. I knew that I wanted to be in film and video production more than anything. I still know this. Even today as I went through the motions feeling rundown and miserable I couldn't help but feel better after being in my film classes. Even though most of the day was spent talking about how hard it is to put a film together and then analyzing depressing Italian neorealism cinema I felt renewed.
I see this feeling as God's way of saying, "Hey, you might not be sure about how to get there, but film is where you belong." Talking about film today put my goals in perspective again. It reminded me that all of this crap, all of the anxiety attacks and self criticism IS WORTH IT. Even if I choose an alternative road to make my dreams a reality I can't allow anything to stop me, I can't let myself become defeated.
Last night will definitely not be the last freak out I ever have but I know that after every struggle and every bad day I'll find my little cinema compass again that shows me I'm right in sticking with film and that it is the only thing I want to do in life; I just have to work for it.
Today has been considerably better than yesterday and that is most likely because I always seem to feel good after I have a complete and total melt down over what's stressing me. I started out the day with a horrible migraine but once that was over I started to take notice of how many people had messaged me or come up to me to make sure I was OK. The fact that I have this kind of support and so many people that care has made me feel like no matter what I decide to do in regards to my path in life I'll be just fine.
One of the best things about all of these people that care is that I feel that they believe I can achieve success in my goals as an artist. I've known since I was very little that my life would take me down the path of an artist. It took me a while to figure out what medium I loved the most but I eventually found out that it was film. I thought for a long time that I was never going to pick a concrete career path until I took a Media Arts class in high school and found out that I loved no job more than video editing. Editing was one of the few things that I have ever really felt fulfilled in doing. There were many academic pursuits that I did well in but I never felt passionate about them, I never cared about those accomplishments.
When I made my decision to go to Hollins I knew that I wanted to go there because of the film department. I knew that I wanted to be in film and video production more than anything. I still know this. Even today as I went through the motions feeling rundown and miserable I couldn't help but feel better after being in my film classes. Even though most of the day was spent talking about how hard it is to put a film together and then analyzing depressing Italian neorealism cinema I felt renewed.
I see this feeling as God's way of saying, "Hey, you might not be sure about how to get there, but film is where you belong." Talking about film today put my goals in perspective again. It reminded me that all of this crap, all of the anxiety attacks and self criticism IS WORTH IT. Even if I choose an alternative road to make my dreams a reality I can't allow anything to stop me, I can't let myself become defeated.
Last night will definitely not be the last freak out I ever have but I know that after every struggle and every bad day I'll find my little cinema compass again that shows me I'm right in sticking with film and that it is the only thing I want to do in life; I just have to work for it.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Blog Bandwagon
After a recent series of breakdowns over various life circumstances such as, but not limited to, school, money, time, my social life and the value of my education I have decided to jump on the bandwagon of blogging. Normally I would laugh at the idea of me having a blog but I've decided, why not? A public diary might be therapeutic and if enough people like me maybe it'll be an ego boost.
However, I am digressing. Since I've enrolled in college I have been questioning the choice. I have spent countless hours weighing the pros and cons of staying in school vs. dropping out. I've thought of interning and working instead of school or just transferring somewhere else and continuing on with my education as originally planned. Sadly though, those are not easy choices.
I usually end up in one of three places when I try to narrow my education/life options out. 1. On the corner of my bed blubbering like a baby and making ridiculous posts on Facebook that I later delete after I realize that I sound like an indecisive cry-baby. 2. Balled up in the backseat of my car in the parking lot, trying not to let anyone see me cry while I think about how bad I am at life or 3. Crying in the shower so my sinuses don't swell up later.
The fact of the matter is that this decision would be one that will affect the rest of my life. I cannot just make it on the fly and I have to know exactly what I'm going to do and how once I make it. Trying to narrow down my decisions I have asked friends for advice, called my mom and screamed about my problems hoping she will offer some motherly pearls of wisdom that only moms can know, and even taking to the internet to research what happens to dropouts and college graduates. All of these have given me no answers.
So what am I to do? Well that leads me, in a round-about odd way, to this blog. I am going to ponder my options for a while longer, explore some possible options and post daily (or less if I'm uneventful) about my journey to find some sort of cosmic answer to the problem of how to be the woman I want to be without completely losing my mind in a series of mental breakdowns related to college.
However, I am digressing. Since I've enrolled in college I have been questioning the choice. I have spent countless hours weighing the pros and cons of staying in school vs. dropping out. I've thought of interning and working instead of school or just transferring somewhere else and continuing on with my education as originally planned. Sadly though, those are not easy choices.
I usually end up in one of three places when I try to narrow my education/life options out. 1. On the corner of my bed blubbering like a baby and making ridiculous posts on Facebook that I later delete after I realize that I sound like an indecisive cry-baby. 2. Balled up in the backseat of my car in the parking lot, trying not to let anyone see me cry while I think about how bad I am at life or 3. Crying in the shower so my sinuses don't swell up later.
The fact of the matter is that this decision would be one that will affect the rest of my life. I cannot just make it on the fly and I have to know exactly what I'm going to do and how once I make it. Trying to narrow down my decisions I have asked friends for advice, called my mom and screamed about my problems hoping she will offer some motherly pearls of wisdom that only moms can know, and even taking to the internet to research what happens to dropouts and college graduates. All of these have given me no answers.
So what am I to do? Well that leads me, in a round-about odd way, to this blog. I am going to ponder my options for a while longer, explore some possible options and post daily (or less if I'm uneventful) about my journey to find some sort of cosmic answer to the problem of how to be the woman I want to be without completely losing my mind in a series of mental breakdowns related to college.
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