Cinema and I

Well after my first post I began to get a lot of messages and comments via Facebook about how much people loved me and believed in me, and I must say that made me feel very loved; but I want everyone to know that while my last post had a lot of references to me crying and freaking out, I am OK and I'm not on the cusp of diving off a cliff, unless that dive ends with me swimming in pure chocolate...

Today has been considerably better than yesterday and that is most likely because I always seem to feel good after I have a complete and total melt down over what's stressing me. I started out the day with a horrible migraine but once that was over I started to take notice of how many people had messaged me or come up to me to make sure I was OK. The fact that I have this kind of support and so many people that care has made me feel like no matter what I decide to do in regards to my path in life I'll be just fine.
One of the best things about all of these people that care is that I feel that they believe I can achieve success in my goals as an artist. I've known since I was very little that my life would take me down the path of an artist. It took me a while to figure out what medium I loved the most but I eventually found out that it was film. I thought for a long time that I was never going to pick a concrete career path until I took a Media Arts class in high school and found out that I loved no job more than video editing. Editing was one of the few things that I have ever really felt fulfilled in doing. There were many academic pursuits that I did well in but I never felt passionate about them, I never cared about those accomplishments. 
When I made my decision to go to Hollins I knew that I wanted to go there because of the film department. I knew that I wanted to be in film and video production more than anything. I still know this. Even today as I went through the motions feeling rundown and miserable I couldn't help but feel better after being in my film classes. Even though most of the day was spent talking about how hard it is to put a film together and then analyzing depressing Italian neorealism cinema I felt renewed.
I see this feeling as God's way of saying, "Hey, you might not be sure about how to get there, but film is where you belong." Talking about film today put my goals in perspective again. It reminded me that all of this crap, all of the anxiety attacks and self criticism IS WORTH IT. Even if I choose an alternative road to make my dreams a reality I can't allow anything to stop me, I can't let myself become defeated.

Last night will definitely not be the last freak out I ever have but I know that after every struggle and every bad day I'll find my little cinema compass again that shows me I'm right in sticking with film and that it is the only thing I want to do in life; I just have to work for it.